i am an angry girl
i have been learning so much about buddhism this past year, yet as much as i try to be zen about things, i feel like i just can't control my rage at times. i'm not proud of the moments when my rage spills forth. these are the times when unwise and ill-intended words tumble out of my mouth, when my voice reaches an ear-splitting pitch, and when i know that the anger is causing stress to my body because i can feel it working its viral way through every nerve.

it's been a stressful week and a half and it seems to be getting worse and worse by the second. it all began last thursday before our show. chrisarena couldn't get his mom's truck for some reason, so we needed another car to transport us and our equipment or we'd have to cancel the gig. i begged my father to let me borrow his pathfinder, and he was incredibly reluctant to allow me to take it. i promised nothing would happen to it. so of course we got into a car accident. i wasn't even in the car. chrisarena was driving it because my dad didn't trust me to drive it (even though i drove a fucking ice cream truck for a whole summer...i guess a man can do it better).

the pathfinder hit this small car driven by a japanese guy who couldn't have been older than 25. he didn't speak good english which seemed to work to our advantage. he did know enough to call the police, but then with genuine tears in my eyes i convinced him not to file the accident report. there was hardly any damage to either vehicle, except for a cracked windshield caused by my keyboard flying forward and hitting it.

things with that worked out for the most part. my dad took it better than i thought he would (i kept thinking that he was going to have a real stroke or something) and he had windshield coverage so it's being fixed and we don't have to pay anything. however there is a slight crack in the front bumper and the license plate fell off so i have to try to fix that as best as i can before he sees the car this weekend. he hasn't seen it yet because he's been driving my sister's car and he lives in northport.

then yesterday i found out that a friend from high school committed suicide. i was never really close with him, we were more like acquaintances, but he was someone i always saw around town and was friendly with. he even tried to kiss me once. i didn't want to be kissed, but nevertheless, i was still flattered. his passing is affecting my friends much more than me though, and i think i feel the repercussions more strongly through them. for instance he was the drummer of mike, dustin and chris's first band, popular outcast, so this news obviously did not bode well with them. now it feels like this week is covered in gloom no matter what. it didn't help that i got into an argument with everyone at band practice today. it was awful and all i can really say about it is that sometimes it's tough being in a band with your best friends and even tougher with your boyfriend. the timing couldn't have been worse, though.

i'm guessing the wake is going to be tomorrow.

all this is probably part of why i gave someone the finger today. i usually condone "the finger" as vulgar and uncouth, but i did it today because this fat, middle-aged, self-righteous man in an suv honked at me for no reason whatsoever. i was crossing the street and he hadn't even turned the corner onto that street yet when he decided to honk at me and stare me down. so i gave him the finger and refrained from screaming 'fuck you!' because i thought some of my piano students could have been nearby (i was walking into the piano studio).

and that's the story of my sometimes unstoppable rage.

i keep wondering how personal it is appropriate to get on a blog. part of me wants to bare all with nothing to hide and the other part thinks it is sexier or something to remain as mysterious as possible even if there is nothing at all mysterious about me.